Breaking the Habit
by Disturbedvixen
Summary: This is a songfic that goes to Linkin Park's "Breaking the Habit" off of the Meteora CD.


**Disclaimer:** As always, I own nothing but the story.  I don't own Linkin Park or YYH. 

**Please go easy on me. This is my first songfic and first one-shot.  **

**~~Breaking the Habit ~~**

Hiei entered the house and slammed the door behind him.  The scowl that hardened his handsome features was evident.   He crossed his arms and furiously paced the living room.  "I'm going to kill that idiot!" 

Botan left the kitchen wiping her hands off on a towel.  "Who are you going to kill?"

"Who _else_?!"

A frown creased the deity's lips.  "Oh…kay…do you mean Kuwabara?"

"Yes, Kuwabara!  From his opinion, I'm not capable of caring for someone."

"Oh…_that_.  He's not completely wrong," Botan muttered bitterly.

Hiei spun on his heel and bore down on her.  "Are you agreeing with him?"

"N-no, it's just that…" Botan pressed her lips tightly closed.

"It's just _what_?!"

"You tend to be abusive when you're mad."

"Abusive?  _Me_?  Just because I've had a rough childhood, that automatically means that I'm _abusive?_"

Botan dropped the towel and backed away.  "No! I didn't say that!"

"Insinuations are enough!"

"B-but I wasn't insinuating anything!"  She found herself backing down the hall into the bedroom.  She fell backwards onto her bed.  "Hiei, please just stop it! I didn't mean to say anything!  I'm sorry!"

"Sorry?  Haven't you heard that _sorry_ isn't enough?  Would sorry be enough to make up for what any of us have gone through?"

"I-I don't know!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**_Memories consume_**

**_Like opening the wound_**

**_I'm picking me apart again_**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She threw herself tightly against the wall.  This always happened when something struck a harsh chord in the fire demon.  She closed her eyes tightly, wishing that she could just melt into the wall.  The last time this happened, she had broken her arm.  She couldn't remember exactly what it was that had caused Hiei to be so pissed then…all she remembered was Hiei pinning her harshly against the wooden bedpost and nearly throwing her through the wall when she fought against him.  She shuddered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**_You all assume_**

**_I'm safe here in my room_**

**_{unless I try to start again}_**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Even if she did leave Hiei, it would only make him angry.  She would be hunted down.  _'Why did I feel so sorry for him?  Why couldn't I just agree with Kurama?  I should've stayed away from Hiei.  He can take care of himself…'_ she thought fearfully. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**I don't want to be the one**

**_The battles always choose_**

**_'Cause inside I realize_**

**_That I'm the one confused_**__

**_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_**

****

Hiei grabbed Botan's shoulders and pulled her against him.  "Why do you always run from me?" he growled in her ear.  "Don't you know that you'll never escape?"  He kissed her forcefully.  "What made Kuwabara think I'm not capable of _caring_?  Don't I care for you?"   His arms tightened around her, ensuring that she wouldn't fight for her freedom.

He stopped, feeling that Botan's slender frame was tense in his arms.  He pulled away from her to study her face.  This had never happened before.  He had figured she would try to fight, but give up?  That was not like her.  Botan's lovely face was pale, her expression pure fright.

"Please, just leave me alone!" Botan whispered, wrapping her arms tightly around herself.  "I don't want to be hurt by you anymore."

Hiei gaped at her.  She was afraid of him.  He stood up.  What good was it if the girl he cared about was afraid of him?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**I don't know what's worth fighting for**

**_Or why I have to scream_**

**_I don't know why I instigate_**

**_And say what I don't mean_**__

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

"Botan, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to be like this," Hiei began.  He held an imploring hand out to her.  "Can you forgive me?"

The amethyst eyes stared at him.  "How can I forgive you?  Do you even remember what you did last time?  Give me some time to think about it."

"I…" He trailed off.  He _didn't_ remember.  When he was in a rampage, everything left him except for his rage.  He had never realized that his output for his rage was hurting Botan.  He lowered his hand.  _'How could I have been so blind?'_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**I don't know how I got this way**

**_I know it's not all right_**

**_So I'm breaking the habit_**

**_Tonight_**__

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

He backed out of the room, still looking at Botan's rigid position in the corner of the bedroom they shared.  He went up the stairs, afraid that if he tried to make a move to comfort her, he would scare her off.  He went into the spare bedroom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Clutching my cure**

**_I tightly lock the door_**

**_I try to catch my breath again_**

**_I hurt much more_**

**_Than anytime before_**

**_I had no options left again_**__

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He would have to lock the door against himself…against the world.  He took a deep breath and sat on the bed.  He ran his fingers through his spiky hair and groaned.  "Why didn't I see this before?!  Why didn't she say something?"

'She did say something…you just didn't listen…' 

"Urgh." He growled at himself in disgust and gripped the handle on his katana.  When he felt the waves of fear washing over her, he had _just then_ realized it.  

'I must be the most self absorbed asshole in the surface world…' 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**_I don't want to be the one_**

**_The battles always choose_**

**_'Cause inside I realize_**

**_That I'm the one confused_**__

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It wasn't Botan who was wrong…it's me…what can I do right?"  The fire demon held the blade of his katana into the fading sunlight from the window.  "Maybe I should just end it here and now.  I'm sure everyone would be so much happier…especially the ferry girl."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**I don't know what's worth fighting for**

**_Or why I have to scream_**

**_I don't know why I instigate_**

**_And say what I don't mean_**

**_I don't know how I got this way_**

**_I know it's not all right_**

**_So I'm breaking the habit_**

**_Tonight_**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Tonight I'll make it up to her…to _everyone_…"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**I'll paint it on the walls**

**_'Cause I'm the one at fault_**

**_I'll never fight again_**

**_And this is how it ends_**__

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Botan knocked on the door.  "Hiei?"

Hiei stiffened and glanced back at the door.  "What do you want?  I'm going to make this quick."

"Do _what_?!  Open the door!"

"Do you just want to get hurt again?"

"You're going to do something drastic, aren't you?"

"It isn't any of your business, woman!"

"As long as we're living in the same house, I'm going to make it my business!"

"Where do you get the nerve…wait, what are you saying?"  Hiei opened the door.

"I don't want you to hurt yourself.  It's stupid!"  Botan eyed the katana.  "What's _that_ for?"

"Why don't you want me to do this?  After I've acted so stupidly, you're going to keep me from doing this?"

Botan shrugged.  "You're not going to stop either way.  Yes, I know that killing yourself would officially stop you, but none of us would want you to die."

A wan smile spread across Hiei's face.  "You said so yourself, killing myself is the answer."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**I don't know what's worth fighting for**

**_Or why I have to scream_**

**_But now I have some clarity to show you what I mean_**__

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The katana's blade was glinting.  Hiei turned it to her.  "Try to stop me and I'll take you with me."

Botan flinched but continued to walk forward.  "Go ahead.  Be stubborn."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Hiei wondered in awe.

"Yes…" she admitted, "But maybe we can work something out?  I'm sure if we can take a break away from each other for a while, things will be better."

Hiei shook his head.  "You don't understand how I am, do you?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**I don't know how I got this way**

**_I'll never be all right_**__

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"But…"

Hiei held a finger up to silence her.  "No, I've been a jerk.  I'm going to end this."  He kissed Botan gently.  He stroked her hair.  "I'm sorry about what I've done to you.  Now you can live your life the way you deserve it."

"Hiei, you can't…you just _can't_!"  She clutched Hiei tightly.

He patiently pried her off of him.  "Just go.  It'll be easier for you if you don't have to see or hear anything."  He pressed his lips to her forehead and urged her out the door.

Tears filled the amethyst eyes.  Even though her heart urged against it, she ran downstairs and through the front door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**So I'm breaking the habit**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hiei could have easily thrust the blade into his heart, but that wouldn't have been enough to amend for his cruelty. He ran the edge against his wrists.  He lay back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling.  He crossed his arms behind his head on the pillow.  Slowly, he felt himself weaken.  His vision was beginning to blur.  He smiled.  It was what he deserved…what Botan would need to be happy…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Breaking the habit**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Are you positive Hiei would do something like this?  It doesn't sound at all like him," Kurama said, following Botan upstairs.

Botan said nothing.  She bit her lip nervously and entered the room where she had last seen Hiei.  "He _did_ do it…" she gasped.  She buried her face into the black cloak that the fire demon usually dressed in.  She would never again be able to stroke the gravity-defying hair…never again be able to giggle at his sarcastic jokes…never…_never_ again…

The fox demon grimaced at the blood soaked pillow.  Hiei was lying so peacefully.  The crimson eyes stared at nothing.  Kurama closed the eyes and wrapped the blanket around the body.  "Botan, come one, he's sure to get a decent hearing at Reikai."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tonight 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                        **~*~ Owari ~*~**

**_________________________________________________**

**That's the end of my very fist songfic and one-shot.  Please do some reviewing!­­­­­­­­­­­­­  If you want another songfic, tell me.  **


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